Mere Thoughts Unsorted

For my senior design course, our last assignment involves writing a letter to ourselves ten years into the future.  At first I planned on just blowing through it quickly, but I really felt the need to remind my future self of a few things.  I’m posting it here too that if I’m ever randomly perusing my old posts, I’ll be able to read through it and remind myself of the most important things in life.

5/2/12

Dear Matt.  Me – ten years in the future.

                I hope this letter finds you well!  I’m writing this letter to you on the last night of classes from your senior year of college.  It’s been a long time getting this far.  After tonight, you are officially done with plant design and all of your classes!  It’s an exciting time.  End of college before an entire summer devoid of responsibilities.  Free time abounds.  I hope you used it well.

                A few things I want to remind you of. 

You are so blessed.  God has made you so unique and special.  Somehow you managed to squeak by in Chemical Engineering.  You never had to worry about your academics while still being heavily invested in people and AACM.  Remember – this was not of your own doing in the least.  It was all by the grace of God.  You have so many people who love you and have got your back in the darkest of circumstances.  You’ve seen those bonds proved genuine through vulnerability and confession.  People have loved you undeservedly.  You have had the amazing privilege of coming in contact with men and women who have transformed your life.  Even when you’ve felt the most alone, you’ve had people at your side.  And above all else, God has been there.

You are blessed to be a blessing.  From the beginning, God blessed Abraham that the world might be blessed through him (Genesis 12:1-3).  God has placed missions so deeply on your heart through Perspectives this year.  How are you actively engaged as a global Christ-follower?

Are you comfortable?  The joy and life in Christ is not without cost – it comes with the cost of your life.  Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for Christ’s sake will gain eternal life.  Whoever wants to build a tower must first sit down and count the cost.  Do not hoard the blessings of Christ for yourself. 

God loves you.  Period.  Never forget this.  “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

There is so much more.  God offers life abundant (John 10:10) - life so full that the current way of life cannot contain it without breaking (Luke 5:1-11).  Live in expectancy for the future, not held down by the past.  While college has been great, college should not be the pinnacle of your life experience.  Change may be terrifying, but change is not a bad thing in itself.  Be content and joyful in all circumstances (Phil 4), not measuring your circumstances by past experiences.

What are you living for?  Money does not last.  It is an earthly treasure that moths eat and rust destroys.  In twenty years, you won’t remember your exact salary.  You’ll remember the times you’ve spent with people.  Those you will carry for the rest of your life.  Seek first the Kingdom of God.  Invest in people’s lives for eternity. 

Pray. 

Yourself, Ten Years Younger.
Matthew Lee

1 Peter 1:3-25

Praise to God for a Living Hope

 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

 ¹⁰ Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, ¹¹ trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. ¹² It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things.

Be Holy

 ¹³ Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. ¹⁴ As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵ But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶ for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

 ¹⁷ Since you call on a Father who judges each man’s work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. ¹⁸ For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, ¹⁹ but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. ²⁰ He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. ²¹ Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

 ²² Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. ²³ For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. ²⁴ For,

   “All men are like grass,
   and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
 ²⁵ but the word of the Lord stands forever.”

   And this is the word that was preached to you.

I don’t completely understand what happened yesterday.  It was late at night - around maybe 11pm.  I had gone through a long day.  Kind of stressful, but nothing huge.  And then all of a sudden, I felt this huge crushing weight upon me.  

There was no sudden event that triggered it - it just sort of happened.  Over the course of an hour, I began to feel all these heavy things press down upon me.  

I really began to feel all this tiredness and fatigue that had been building for the past four weeks.  It had been building, but I had never allowed myself to admit that it was a problem.  

I felt the weight of all this sin crash down upon me.  Frustration at my lack of perseverance.  Disgust at sins of lust, pride, envy, bitterness.  How I had run from confession multiple times, preferring to distance myself from others.  

I felt anger and frustration at friends for stupid comments.  I didn’t want to see people.  I didn’t really want to do anything at all.  I began to dwell on this idol of approval that became just so evident in all my actions.  

The joy and happiness that had fueled me for the past year just seemed to dry up in the moment.  I think for the past four weeks, I’ve been really tired.  I wouldn’t allow myself to admit that though.  Instead, I put up a mask, pretending to be okay, when in fact I wasn’t.  I’ve been busy to the point I haven’t made time to do my quiet times, and once those stopped, I didn’t pick them up again.  I fueled myself off joy, and for a while, it worked.  Things were going well.  Ministry, life, academics, friendships.  I was seeing God moving in amazing ways.  All these things contributed to this overwhelming sense of happiness and joy.

There was a problem though.  That joy was derived from circumstances and not God himself.  And that became very apparent last night.

All in all, it was a scary night.  It was like I had been walking on level ground - nothing to deter me from my path as far as the eye could see.  After months and months of walking and making progress, I kind of took it for granted.  Then, in a blink of an eye, all of that level ground seem to crumble at once around me.  It was as if I had walked off a cliff with nothing to hold onto.  All the things I tried to grasp at were insubstantial - not solid at all.  I didn’t know what to do.  All I had clung to this past year was simply vanity, chasing after the wind.  It was good - but it was not solid.  And God brought me down low.  Lower than any other point this entire senior year.  

And now, it’s time to rebuild.  Not upon a foundation of shifting sand, but upon my solid rock.  My joy, my life, my satisfaction - it’s all founded upon Jesus Christ.  Not ministry.  Not friendships.  Not academics.  Not my own capabilities.  Jesus and Jesus alone.

It’s funny.  I was still thinking about the weight of it all at Stone this morning.  The weight of all my sin and brokenness.  I felt so crushed and defeated by it until this line came up this morning:

What heart could hold the weight of your love?

Then, I finally began to remember.  Whatever the weight of my sin and brokenness, the weight of Jesus’ love is so much more.

That’s it.  It’s the gospel.  It’s so easy to forget, but it’s so vital.  It’s so life-giving.

Bringing this back to large group, I feel so tired after a long, fruitless night.  But my response to Jesus is, “Master, I’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything.  But because you say so, I will let down my nets.”  And in the midst of that hesitancy, Jesus answers with so much abundance it’s scary.  Everything begins to break because it can’t contain the fullness of life with Jesus.

I just want to end with a passage that gave me so much hope last night.  If anyone is reading this, I hope it gives you the same.

 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴ and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹ for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:3-9

Answered prayers.

God is good.  All the time.

My prayer is that this could be said of us:

They are a body who have perhaps excelled all mankind in solid and unequivocal proofs of the love of Christ and ardent, active zeal in his service.  It is a zeal tempered with prudence, softened with meekness and supported but a courage which no danger can intimidate and a quiet certainty no hardship can exhaust.

- William Wilberforce 

Almost exactly one week ago, InterVarsity’s East Austin Spring Break Missions Trip was just starting.

I was hesitantly excited for the trip.  I knew it would be good based off what people had told me in the past.  I was tired though, from an entire half-semester of business.  Would spending another 5 days of my spring break really be a wise decision on my part?

Undoubtedly?  Yes it was.  One of the best experiences throughout all of college thus far.

I could go on and on about every good thing that happened, but I’ll spare you the details.  In the midst of all that good stuff though, I think there was something greater going on.  I was able to experience the beauty of our diverse, multiethnic Intervarsity family, and see just how beautiful the body of Christ is.

Really, it’s astounding to see and experience even a small taste of how beautifully and wonderfully diverse God has made us.  Yeah, each one of us in AACM has been made unique and special, but in the midst of our differences, we are still all so similar.  Spring break trip, however, immersed me in such a different context, with so many people with vastly different backgrounds from mine.  Sharing life with the other IV chapters really taught me how to see different aspects of God’s character embodied in different people and different cultures.  We can be so different, yet Christ unites us all in his body.  

It’s not that in Christ, our cultures don’t matter.  No - they’re ultimately very important.  When we all gather as one body, we live as a testimony to the power of Christ to reconcile all.  And when we worship together in all our languages and styles of worship, we bring God the fullness of worship he is deserving of.  

 ⁹ After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. ¹⁰And they cried out in a loud voice:

   “Salvation belongs to our God, 
who sits on the throne, 
and to the Lamb.”

Revelations 7:9-10

We’ve joked about FOMO so much since winter break.  FOMO, for the uninformed, is Fear Of Missing Out.

Most of the time, it’s all in jest.  But all the joking, however, distracts from the fact that in reality?  It’s a huge problem and area of sin that so many of us struggle with.  It’s an idol that needs to be shattered.

We’ve placed so much focus on having good community - and that by no means is bad.  It’s necessary and good.  But the primary purpose of community is not community for its own sake.  It’s for the sake of encouraging and sharpening each other for Christ’s purposes.  And by that measure, I see our community as something good that has been twisted in so many ways.

I fear missing out on making special memories with special people.  I fear missing out on the inside jokes.  I fear missing out on the lunches, the dinners, the games, the hangouts, the late night talks.  I fear missing out on the close, spend-all-your-time-together friendships.  I fear being seen as an outcast - as someone different.  I fear being disregarded when I speak up.  I fear being forgotten - or even worse ignored.

But all those are mere distractions from the purposes of Christ.  I have two months left on this campus.  There are friends I love that need the gospel.  There are strangers (whom I need to learn to love) who need the gospel.  There are people who are lonely and downtrodden who need care.  There are so many new relationships that can be built up.  There are so many ways to serve others and take care of people.  

It’s hard to admit, but my community stifles my love for others.  My community strives after God in so many ways, but is still selfish in so many others.  We preoccupy our time together with fun and games, so we don’t serve together.  We have our pockets of true community, but we still struggle with unity in our greater body.  We are so intent on making the most of our senior year that we get caught up in our own desires for this year as opposed to God’s.  

And I don’t want to live that way anymore.

Life is too precious to waste living in fear.  I want to act in love, not fear.  Perfect love casts out fear.  May this FOMO disappear so that in me, Christ may appear.  

Jesus,

I have twisted you and your gospel in so many ways.  I have crafted a false image of you.  And of course, this false image is all centered upon me.  I have made you all about me, and in turn, I’ve begun worshiping myself.

Instead of a God worthy of all my praise, adoration, and worship, I’ve turned you into someone okay with minimal, nominal devotion.  You are worthy of all worship.

I’ve shunned radical risk and reward, believing you to be a God who wants me to avoid danger and remain safe.  You call me to incredible risk - yet even greater reward.

I’ve settled for partial obedience when you command total obedience.  You’ve captivated me so much - how can I not follow you?!

I’ve abused your mercy and grace so much.  I’ve failed to see the depths of my own sin and the greatness of your own holiness.  I fail to see you as someone who hates even the smallest of sins.  I’ve twisted you from a God who hates sin to a God who simply loves me as I am.  You are holy, righteous, and just.

For so long, I’ve failed to see the true purpose of your Gospel.  Your ultimate purpose is to glorify yourself, yet I’ve believed in a me-centered gospel.  Not to us, but to your name be the glory.

I’ve made you too small.  I’ve demoted you from a sovereign, all powerful God to someone who needs me to serve you. You are big enough.  How gracious you are that I can partner with you.

I’ve stopped believing in you as a God of miracles.  I merely see you as a listening ear to my prayers.  You are a God who delights in displaying your power among the nations.  Bring Revival.

From a living, active God of all time, I’ve limited you to a God whose work is all in the past tense - not in my present nor my future.  You are the Alpha and Omega.  The Beginning and End.  You were, you are, and you will always be. 

Forgive me!  Teach me to see you as you are.  You are all that you say you are.

Good community + Doing things for God =/= Relationship with God